Let me start off by saying I absolutely LOVE Beyoncé! She’s beautiful, talented, business savvy, beautiful…wait…I said beautiful already. Here’s the thing, Beyoncé is FINE! Legs for days. Silky caramel skin that doesn’t show signs of a single stretch mark after birthing three babies. THREE BABIES YA’LL! And don’t get me to talking about this chick’s snapback game. I mean…come on! Now, before you start with the “she has money”, “she probably had surgery”, or “she had a surrogate carry dem babies” STOP. Queen B herself revealed that she has struggled with body issues in the September issue of Vogue magazine (where she is on the cover by the way). This blog is not about bashing Beyoncé or the men whom I decided to share my space with even though I knew they were not good for me. This blog is about how God used my love for the wrong men and Beyoncé to reveal self-hatred within my heart.
I’ll be the first to admit that I’ve gotten myself into some really bad relationships. Some started off great and then took a turn that most of my friends saw coming a mile away ‘cause, in the words of my friend, Adeea, they be knowin’. After having my heart broken for the umpteenth time and a broken engagement, I had to do some self-evaluating.
Thus, began my journey. I grabbed my journal and started asking myself questions like:
- What is within you that is attracting the same guy?
- How can you keep your feelings of loneliness from pushing you into the arms of Mr. All-The-Way-Wrong?
- How are you going to set your standards of beauty to match God’s standard?
I would look at myself in the mirror and find myself wishing I had Beyoncé’s flawless skin and snatched waistline. My thought was maybe if I had the snatched waistline, a particular guy would love me. You see, I’ve dated a man who had no issue with having sex with me yet tell me that he was not physically attracted to me. How Sway? I worked out like a maniac just to be the size 8 that he wanted. Guess what! He still dogged me even after my getting to a point where you could bounce a one hundred dollar bill on my behind to make change. After that terrible breakup, I gained every ounce of weight back and that weight brought friends along who hang on tighter than a clingy boo.
Did I learn from that relationship? Nope. Two years later, I was in another relationship that again, started out great, but didn’t take long for the true colors to show. And once again…my friends knew this guy was Mr. All The Way Wrong, but I didn’t listen. I allowed the spirits of rejection, abandonment, and self-hate rule. This time it got so bad that this man had me thinking I was totally not worth the love God desired for me. At one point, I begged this toxic man to take me back. God removed the poison and I begged for it. My mindset was fixated on having someone in my life, even though I hated the person I became while with him.
Hunti, I was wounded and didn’t allow God to heal my brokenness. It was hard to see through the pain of rejection. Truth be told, a part of me didn’t want to see past the pain because I felt it was what I deserved. God’s vision for my life was skewed to the point that I stopped trying to do what I knew He had called me to do. The crazy thing is I would have many sleepless nights thinking of all the people who were waiting for me to get and stay in position. What a hot mess! Thank God for His grace, mercy, and faithfulness.
Today, I can say that I am on the road to recovery. Why on the road to recovery and not fully recovered? Because every day I learn something new about myself and about God. As long as there is life in my body, I will continue to evolve. Let’s face it, no one is the same person they were five, ten, or fifteen years ago. Evolution is a process in itself. The more you know your God and yourself, the greater your success.
The first stage of the journey had to be the toughest because it took some deep soul searching. I had to be honest with myself and admit I hated the person staring back at me. I wanted to change everything about me. All I saw was my imperfections and the flaws bestowed upon me by the men who once said they would never hurt me. All I saw was Bey’s what-seemed-like perfect life and wished I had half of what she had not without the thought that maybe just maybe she had not so pleasant days too (this was later confirmed with the release of Lemonade). I had to face the common denominator in all of these failed relationships…me. Please don’t think all I did was beat myself up. Nah. With every negative thing I said about myself, I said three positive things. Knowing early on to disable the self-hate talk is what got me through. I started to see that below the surface were still deep waters that flowed. With a better understanding of myself, I moved on to the hard part.
I had to forgive myself for making bad choices with my heart. I had to forgive the men who I allowed to abuse me. I even had to forgive Beyoncé for being Beyoncé. Ok, maybe that was a stretch, but I did have to forgive myself for wanting to be like someone else. Every day I would look in the mirror and say out loud “I forgive me”. Speaking those words helped to slowly cause the guilt and shame to disappear. With each “relationship”, I wrote out the lessons I learned and what I would do differently whenever I was released to date again.
My prayer for you is that you allow yourself time to heal from past relationship wounds and forgive yourself fully. Sometimes, it’s not the relationship that leaves us broken but the wounds, guilt, and shame that keeps us bound. You are a treasure. Remember that.
Forgiveness is a major key to slaying life without apology. Without it, you will forever be bound to bitterness.
Grab your journal and answer the following questions. Think about your past relationship(s).
- What commonalities do you see in each relationship?
- What was your emotional state when you entered each relationship?
- In what ways do you think you have healed?
- What can you do to proactively prepare for when loneliness appears?
Take your time with these journal entries. Allow God to speak to you and lead you on the path of healing.
Tracey Massey is a servant leader whose assignment is helping others live an emPOWERed life. Tracey is a Certified Life Coach, speaker, author, and founder of Living My EmPOWERed Life LLC a service based company teaching women how to slay life without apology. Rooted in faith, Tracey is known for her method of teaching others how to overcome roadblocks with action. Her triumphant testimony recharges your hope for the future. Get plugged in with Tracey to start living the emPOWERed life that you deserve.
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