How Loving Him and Him and Beyoncé Revealed Self-hatred

Let me start off by saying I absolutely LOVE Beyoncé! She’s beautiful, talented, business savvy, beautiful…wait…I said beautiful already. Here’s the thing, Beyoncé is FINE! Legs for days. Silky caramel skin that doesn’t show signs of a single stretch mark after birthing three babies. THREE BABIES YA’LL! And don’t get me to talking about this chick’s snapback game. I mean…come on! Now, before you start with the “she has money”, “she probably had surgery”, or “she had a surrogate carry dem babies” STOP. Queen B herself revealed that she has struggled with body issues in the September issue of Vogue magazine (where she is on the cover by the way). This blog is not about bashing Beyoncé or the men whom I decided to share my space with even though I knew they were not good for me. This blog is about how God used my love for the wrong men and Beyoncé to reveal self-hatred within my heart.

I’ll be the first to admit that I’ve gotten myself into some really bad relationships. Some started off great and then took a turn that most of my friends saw coming a mile away ‘cause, in the words of my friend, Adeea, they be knowin’. After having my heart broken for the umpteenth time and a broken engagement, I had to do some self-evaluating.

Thus, began my journey. I grabbed my journal and started asking myself questions like:

  • What is within you that is attracting the same guy?
  • How can you keep your feelings of loneliness from pushing you into the arms of Mr. All-The-Way-Wrong?
  • How are you going to set your standards of beauty to match God’s standard?

I would look at myself in the mirror and find myself wishing I had Beyoncé’s flawless skin and snatched waistline. My thought was maybe if I had the snatched waistline, a particular guy would love me. You see, I’ve dated a man who had no issue with having sex with me yet tell me that he was not physically attracted to me. How Sway? I worked out like a maniac just to be the size 8 that he wanted. Guess what! He still dogged me even after my getting to a point where you could bounce a one hundred dollar bill on my behind to make change. After that terrible breakup, I gained every ounce of weight back and that weight brought friends along who hang on tighter than a clingy boo.

Did I learn from that relationship? Nope. Two years later, I was in another relationship that again, started out great, but didn’t take long for the true colors to show. And once again…my friends knew this guy was Mr. All The Way Wrong, but I didn’t listen. I allowed the spirits of rejection, abandonment, and self-hate rule. This time it got so bad that this man had me thinking I was totally not worth the love God desired for me. At one point, I begged this toxic man to take me back. God removed the poison and I begged for it. My mindset was fixated on having someone in my life, even though I hated the person I became while with him.

Hunti, I was wounded and didn’t allow God to heal my brokenness. It was hard to see through the pain of rejection. Truth be told, a part of me didn’t want to see past the pain because I felt it was what I deserved. God’s vision for my life was skewed to the point that I stopped trying to do what I knew He had called me to do. The crazy thing is I would have many sleepless nights thinking of all the people who were waiting for me to get and stay in position. What a hot mess! Thank God for His grace, mercy, and faithfulness.

Today, I can say that I am on the road to recovery. Why on the road to recovery and not fully recovered? Because every day I learn something new about myself and about God. As long as there is life in my body, I will continue to evolve. Let’s face it, no one is the same person they were five, ten, or fifteen years ago. Evolution is a process in itself. The more you know your God and yourself, the greater your success.

The first stage of the journey had to be the toughest because it took some deep soul searching. I had to be honest with myself and admit I hated the person staring back at me. I wanted to change everything about me. All I saw was my imperfections and the flaws bestowed upon me by the men who once said they would never hurt me. All I saw was Bey’s what-seemed-like perfect life and wished I had half of what she had not without the thought that maybe just maybe she had not so pleasant days too (this was later confirmed with the release of Lemonade). I had to face the common denominator in all of these failed relationships…me. Please don’t think all I did was beat myself up. Nah. With every negative thing I said about myself, I said three positive things. Knowing early on to disable the self-hate talk is what got me through. I started to see that below the surface were still deep waters that flowed. With a better understanding of myself, I moved on to the hard part.

Forgiveness.

I had to forgive myself for making bad choices with my heart. I had to forgive the men who I allowed to abuse me. I even had to forgive Beyoncé for being Beyoncé. Ok, maybe that was a stretch, but I did have to forgive myself for wanting to be like someone else. Every day I would look in the mirror and say out loud “I forgive me”. Speaking those words helped to slowly cause the guilt and shame to disappear. With each “relationship”, I wrote out the lessons I learned and what I would do differently whenever I was released to date again.

My prayer for you is that you allow yourself time to heal from past relationship wounds and forgive yourself fully. Sometimes, it’s not the relationship that leaves us broken but the wounds, guilt, and shame that keeps us bound. You are a treasure. Remember that.

Forgiveness is a major key to slaying life without apology. Without it, you will forever be bound to bitterness.

Ready…Set…LIVE!!!

EmPOWERed Action:

Grab your journal and answer the following questions. Think about your past relationship(s).

  • What commonalities do you see in each relationship?
  • What was your emotional state when you entered each relationship?
  • In what ways do you think you have healed?
  • What can you do to proactively prepare for when loneliness appears?

Take your time with these journal entries. Allow God to speak to you and lead you on the path of healing.

 

 

Tracey Massey is a servant leader whose assignment is helping others live an emPOWERed life. Tracey is a Certified Life Coach, speaker, author, and founder of Living My EmPOWERed Life LLC a service based company teaching women how to slay life without apology. Rooted in faith, Tracey is known for her method of teaching others how to overcome roadblocks with action. Her triumphant testimony recharges your hope for the future. Get plugged in with Tracey to start living the emPOWERed life that you deserve.

Pre-order Tracey’s new book Standard Operating Procedures to Slaying Life Without Apology

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Depression is R.E.A.L.

Two years ago, not far from the city where I live, a teenager jumped from a bridge ending her life.  Her social media account revealed multiple cries for help.  Her last tweet was absolutely heartbreaking.  It read “When you go to your mom about your stress and mental issueqtq80-ZZt943s and you are told to get over it”.  Not only was this baby told to get over it by the one person who she thought could help her, but the comments after that were absolutely gut-wrenching.

One comment read “Your mom is right, you do complain a lot and you need to get over it”.  Now, before you think I am judging this young woman’s mother and those who commented…STOP.  This blog is a judgment-free, safe space; however, if you have been a regular reader, you know I will give it to you straight with no chaser in love.  This baby suffered, cried out for help and everyone missed it.  Everyone! Unfortunately, her story is not unique at all.

A few days after this young woman took her life, Kanye West was hospitalized.  There are different reports stating why he was hospitalized but the majority point towards a mental health issue.  Just like the young woman I mentioned above, Kanye has suffered for years.  I truly believe he is still grieving for his mother and did like myself and most people have done, he threw himself into work instead of dealing with it.  Now, I am not in Kanye’s circle and like most in the world, I am on the outside looking in.  As someone who has suffered great loses, been told to get over it, and put on a brave face; Kanye was bound to break.  I hate to see someone go through the breakdown, but I hope something good comes out of this.  I pray Kanye gets the help that he needs and brings awareness to mental health.

Just recently, two high-profile celebrities committed suicide within days of each other. Lest we forget the hundreds of everyday people who commit suicide. Matter of fact, the suicide rate in the United States is at an all-time high. We have a problem, peeps.

There is a common thread I saw in the death of the young woman I mentioned above, Kanye and those who are gone way too soon. Humans have made some horrible comments.

Listen, if you have never experienced the death of a loved one, battled depression or battled with mental health issues…HUSH YA FACE!

Depression is REALqtq80-65MuP3.  Mental Illness is REAL. To those of you who are dealing with depression or other types of mental illness, I want you to know that you are NOT weak, you are NOT alone, and there is HOPE for you.  You do not have to suffer in silence.

What you do have to do is get R.E.A.L. with what you are facing.

R-Recognize your triggers and seek out professional help.  Going to a counselor is not a bad thing and if someone has a problem with you seeking help, they have an issue NOT YOU.

E-Expect tough moments but know that you can get over them.  When I say get over them, it is not meant as a brush off.  It is meant as a victory chant.  Getting over it means you can overcome the hurdle.

A-Accept the fact that you will have highs and lows.  Your grief process is yours and no one else’s. No two journeys are the same.  Find the tools that help you through the process. Seeking help does NOT make you weak.

L-Love yourself.  You are fearfully and wonderfully made by God.  He loves you.  Every single part of you.

Finally, please do me a favor and do not suffer in silence.  Do not isolate yourself.  If you are having suicidal thoughts, please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255.  This line is available 24 hours a day, seven days per week.

I love you and need you around to emPOWER the world.  Praying for you daily.

EmPOWERed Action:  Check on your strong friends.

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-8255 

 

Tracey Massey is a servant leader whose assignment is helping others live an emPOWERed life. She is a Certified Life Coach, speaker, and founder of Living My EmPOWERed Life LLC a service based company teaching women how to slay life without apology. Rooted in faith, Tracey is known for her method of teaching others how to overcome roadblocks with action. Her triumphant testimony recharges your hope for the future. Get plugged in with Tracey to start living the emPOWERed life that you deserve.

 

Pre-order her new book Standard Operating Procedures to Slaying Life Without Apology

 

Congratulations on What Now?

Today I received an email from a wedding vendor congratulating me on my first wedding anniversary.  What a sweet gesture, right?  Only there is one problem, I am not married.  The vendor was on that my ex and I used while planning our wedding.  To my surprise, I was not hit with a bumper crop of emotions by the appearance of this email.  I have gone through breakups before, but this one was different.  This was different because it was leading to marriage and marriage was something that I had desired for a long time.  qtq80-Vsr59q

I had to make the tough decision to call off my engagement (which reminds me, I have a wedding gown to sell) and end a three year relationship.  Now, before you start giving me the “you go girl” cheers, I have to be real with you.  I ignored red flags, the warnings of my support system, my own gut instinct, and the Voice of God.  Because of my ignore game, I went through a WHOOOOOOOOLE lot of unecessary crap.  I was a woman in love with potential (we will talk about being in love with potential later).

But I digress, back to my facination about my lack of emotion over the email.  When I read the email, I felt a sense of peace about the decision I made.  When peace took over, I knew that I was healed from the realtionship.  You see, sometimes, the end of a thing is just the beginning of something greater and a loss really is not a loss.  Once my engagement ended, I started two businesses, met my favorite NFL Quarterback, and many other things that I was not able to do while in that relationship.  Staying in a toxic relationship was no longer and option.  Did it hurt to call off my engagement? Yes.  Am I glad the relationship is over? ABSOLUTELY!  The things I have learned and experienced created a happy ending and exciting beginning.  Toxic relationships, whether they are business or personal, kill.  Toxic relationships will stop you from slaying the goals you set and finishing things you have started.  Toxic relationships will keep you stagnant and prevent you from living the emPOWERed life that you deserve.

How do I know I was in a toxic relationship?  When I stopped liking the person I saw in the mirror while I was with him.  I did not like the woman who dulled her shine to stroke his ego.  I did not like the woman who stopped slaying her goals out of fear of losing my him.  Now, don’t get me wrong, I do not hate my ex and I wish him the absolute best;  however, just because you love someone does not mean they have to be directly connected to your life.  My joy, peace, and creativity depend on me being free of toxicity.

I am thankful for the email reminder because it caused me to think about where I am now compared to where I was while in the relationship,  Freedom is a precious gift. It is your job to protect it.  Do not be afaid to remove your self from toxic relationships.  Your future self with thank you for it.  Ready…Set…LIVE!!!

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EmPOWERed Action:

Grab your journal for this one.

  1.  Write down the names of the people in your inner circle, casual relationships and professional relationships.
  2. Beside each name, write down how you feel and/or accomplish when are with them.
  3. Beside each name, write down if that person adds to or subtracts from your well being.
  4. Create your toxic relationship exit strategy.  What are you going to do to get out and stay out of the toxic relationship?